One Year

 One year ago today - from now almost to the minute I had to say the words "It's time". Those words will haunt me for the rest of my life. I had to make the decision to stop Harvey's pain. I don't know what it feels like to have cancer. What it does to the way you feel overall, how you have good days and bad, and how it changes your moods. All I know if Harvey rarely showed any outward signs. He was slower and his breathing was more labored, but he always smiled and did his best to make me smile. 

The thing that really hit me this morning was the fact the there are no more times of realizing that "this day last year we did this". Everything is over a year away now. Everything is slipping further away. My boy is slipping away. I have been well aware that this day was approaching and I think I was doing this to distract myself. But last night it hit. My sleep was constantly interuppted by dreams of all of my dogs in trouble. They were old and kept falling down and I was frantic to help them. I woke up at 4am and stayed awake so I wouldn't dream any more. 

I found two of his hairs on a jacket I was putting away today. Two hairs that were proof that he actually existed and was the most important past of my life. Two small, tiny hairs that I couldn't stop holding on to. They meant the world to me and I smiled when I found them. 

Saying "they're not in pain anymore" or "you ended their suffering" are stupid ways of people trying to help you cope and I fucking hate hearing people say it. I would rather they ask something like "what was one thing he did that always made you laugh" or something like that. 

I know Harvey was sick and that almost 12 years old is a good age for a Pyrenees but if I could have traded 10 years of my life for 10 more years with him I would have.