One Month Ago

 

4 weeks ago my boy Harvey left this earth. He was just coming up on his twelfth birthday and still looked very young. Cancer had taken hold of his body and together, he and I waged a battle to keep him healthy, active and comfortable. I had no clear indication as to how long he had cancer prior to his initial diagnosis. It was found in his lungs in the middle of August. 3 tumors in each lung and each 2cm in size. Only a small percentage of dogs get primary lung cancer - so the vet said it was spreader metastastic disease that had come from another part of his body. The only sign of it was his laboured breathing which had gotten worse in the warm August weather. The vet was amazed that I was able to see such a mild symptom that most people would have put down to an aging dog and warmer weather, His stamina had dropped but he still had the same energy and interest in exercise. His appetitie remained healthy and he was as active and alert as always. But despite all of this - I knew something was ahppening. I didn't want to go down a rabbit hole looking for trouble, But I had the greatest responsibilty to him to keep him as healthy as I could. 

We started with ultrasounds and moved on to xrays which confirmed the tumors. His age of 11 1/2 was advanced for a Pyrenees mix giant breed dog. I was initially told to expect 10 at the best for a dog of his size and breed. I always knew we'd have longer. 

We left the vet office and I was shattered. Some friends were in town and they brought pizza and beer over to the house that night to celebrate my boy. He was groggy from the sedation but the pizza crusts were enough to keep him engaged. He layed on the floor between  us all, happy to take in the sounds of our voices and know he was loved. 

 We sat and talked about dogs and the inevitiability of their passage. One friend there had lost her dog earlie in the year. He was a Silver Lab named Rio de la Plata (River of Silver). Rio was Harvey's best dog friend in the world. He was the dog who taught Harvey how to be a dog as Harvey never had a chance to be a dog while surviving as a street dog. They swam together and played bitey face and wrestled untli they were both exhausted. The other couple who were visiting have a rescue that came from the Prairies - Zoa. She is a beautiful little mix with a large personality. 

The next days and weeks were a flurry of self-reflection and planning for the future. I had no idea what this diagnosis held for my boy. Weeks, months, a year? The vet made no promises and I didn't expect any. All I knew is that I needed to make his remaining time the absolute best. I had always loves the 90's song by Jesus Jones - Right Here, Right Now and line "Right here right now, there is no other place I would rather be". Those words summed up how I felt being with Harvey every single time. 

We continued to walked as much as always, went for brunches, visited dog friends, went to the brew pub that he loved. We took drives in the van and went for light hikes and visited the petting zoo in town. Harvey loved the goats and llamas. We went and visited the horses on the rez. They would always come to the fence to see Harvey but seemed more curious about him recently. I know horses are highly intuitive so perhaps they could sense the cancer he was battling. 

The last 6 months was a roller coaster of emotions. One day good - one day rock bottom. Harvey didn't show any pain and I kept up his arthritis shots and NSAI drugs. He was a stoic boy. Not showing any outward signs of pain or discomfort - other than his breathing which was labored and he had a bad, sporadic cough that sounded horrible. 

I had learned about aniticipatory greif for the first time in my life. Knowing something horrible is coming and how do I handle it? 

Saturdays are the worst as it was a Saturday when he left. My work keeps me busy enough - but when I stop my mind goes back to Harvey and it is almost a panic attack. I get a knot in the pit of my stomach and I have to catch my breath. How is it that he is gone and where did 12 years go? I am one of those people who would trade years off of my life to have him back.