Harvey's Birthday

 

It's here. The day I have dreaded. Harvey's birthday. I woke this morning after having the same dream I have been having a lot since his passing. We were sitting on the front lawn. Him stretched out - as long as he could get. And me, rubbing his tummy. I've had this dream a lot since Harvey left. It may be because this how he and I spent his last afternoon. That day he was tired and not feeling well, so we layed on the grass together rather than going for a walk. He fell asleep quickly as it was warm for January, and quiet. He always relaxed completely while on the front grass. It was his happy place.

The front lawn was always a place he liked to be. It was lower down than the deck and closer to the street, so he was closer to the action. He was busy watching dogs and people walk by, sniffing the air as they passed. This was one of his great joys. 

But this morning I woke to same dream again. I had been worried about today - about how my emotions would rise up. I felt good this morning. I woke not feeling too anxious, which was good. I hadn't intended on working too much today. Going for a birthday walk while reflecting on memories of him was high on on my to-do list. Work could wait for another day. As the day went on I got a little edgy. Feeling restless. I talked to him more today. Reassuring him that I hadn't forgotten his big day and that we were going to celebrate it. It was his 12th birthday. A birthday I tried to get him to, but his body failed him. 

It was to be kind of our typical day of celebration. A big walk to his favorite places, a celebratory beer and ordering in pizza in the evening. We would have gone to Red Collar to see his favorite people but I am still not feeling like I want, or can go there. I will with time I am sure. The thing is - I have never gone there by myself. I have either gone with him or with another person. Never alone. 99% of the time was with him. 

So today I got out for a walk in the afternoon. I stopped by and saw River the doodle. Her smile and happiness always cheer me up. I went to see Sidney and Cosmo but neither of them was out. 

So here I am back home and a flood of emotions has washed over me. I am crying and anxious and unsettled. I can't sit still and feel twitchy. Writing has been helping a lot lately. The words come easily and are an outlet for the roller coaster of emotions I feel on a daily basis. I don't want to not feel sadness and grief when thinking about Harvey. I want to mourn him. I want to feel a sense of longing when thinking about him. I don't think our story is done, I know I will see him again. And then it will be forever.